A Dark Path

I'm sorry for the lack of posts because I am currently in a so-called "dark path" of my life. I do not know if you can call this as the start of a mid-life crisis or quarter-life crisis --- whatever crisis it is, it is somehow draining the joy out of what I should be feeling right now.

I am very confused. I do not know if what I am doing is towards the right path or if this will be what the Lord has built me to do. I have so many things running in my head, I can't believe I can actually sleep at night.


The only thing that keeps me going is the boys in my life. I remember this photo that I took of them while we were out walking around our village. It reminded me of peace, comfort, and contentment.

What has happened to me?

I used to be like what this photo represent. After a year of staying and working at home, I honestly felt like I lost it. I lost my appeal, my fighting spirit, and even my feistiness.

Like what I have told you in this post, I am currently looking for office-based jobs once more. And you know what? It felt different and extremely nauseating to think that after all these years, I am putting myself out there again --- exposing myself, letting myself be judged by new employers who can either hire or reject me.

For the past weeks of joining the foray of fresh graduates looking for employment, I felt exhausted. It was extremely degrading and demotivating to see myself, a 30-something mother, join in the clamor of job-hunting. I am too old for this.

But, I am trying to be hopeful.

Yes, even if I have to scout Jobstreet for who knows when just to get that job, I will. All for my little Z. Ah, if only the world is filled with honest online employers then mothers don't have to endure this kind of sacrifice.

I will end this post on a positive note because I do not wish anyone to feel the darkness that I am feeling right now. So, let me paste this prayer from the beloved author of "The Little Prince," Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, because somehow, it makes me feel elated. Thank you, BrightSide.

Lord, I’m not praying for miracles and visions, I’m only asking for strength for my days. Teach me the art of small steps.

Make me clever and resourceful, so that I can find important discoveries and experiences among the diversity of days.

Help me use my time better. Present me with the sense to be able to judge whether something is important or not.

I pray for the power of discipline and moderation, not only to run throughout my life, but also to live my days reasonably, and observe unexpected pleasures and heights.

Save me from the naive belief that everything in life has to go smoothly. Give me the sober recognition that difficulties, failures, fiascos, and setbacks are given to us by life itself to make us grow and mature.

Send me the right person at the right moment, who will have enough courage and love to utter the truth!

I know that many problems solve themselves, so please teach me patience.

You know how much we need friendship. Make me worthy of this nicest, hardest, riskiest and most fragile gift of life.

Give me enough imagination to be able to share with someone a little bit of warmth, in the right place, at the right time, with words or with silence.

Spare me the fear of missing out on life.

Do not give me the things I desire, but the things I need.

Teach me the art of small steps!

I do hope to find what I am looking for, that I be given what I deserve and not simply what I want. While it may take awhile and a few more sacrifices, I know it will be worth it. I hope to keep on the right path and I hope that whoever hires me next will give me what I am looking for.